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You Can't Beat the House
West Essex High School
North Caldwell, NJ
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You Can't Beat the House
MERLE: An amiable but not very good burglar.
HOWIE: Merles partner, who thinks with his heart.
CONRAD SPEARS: Young married man, given to arguing.
GLENDA SPEARS: Conrads wife, a woman with a secret.
COURTNEY PARFAIT: A well-coiffed real estate agent.
OFFICER MILO LARRABY: A not-too-bright police officer.
LILLIAN: Glendas pushy mother.
MADAME ZENOBIA: A wise-cracking spiritual medium.
BRITTANY MARIE: Conrads dumb secretary.
FERN LARRABY: Larrabys crabby mother.

Ive had trouble breaking into a house before but this is the first time Ive had problems breaking OUT again! So moans Merle to his partner, Howie. These two minor-league burglars have really met their match this time, it seems. They decided on a house only to find, after managing to get into the place, that its up for sale and before they can leave, Conrad and Glenda, prospective buyers, show up. Merle figures they have two choices - either pretend to be real estate agents or beat it, making the buyers suspect them and call in the police. Merle begins to show the house while Howie ducks out to get the car. Now the REAL real estate agent shows up and Merle has to juggle the couple and the agent. Finally, as Merle gets rid of her and is about to show the door to Conrad and Glenda, Howie arrives with the new that their car has been towed away. Suddenly, a cop show up, saying the police are looking for two suspicious characters in the neighborhood. Next in the parade of oddball characters is Conrads secretary, then Glendas mother, then her medium Madame Zenobia. Oh, yeah! The place, it turns out, is haunted! This screwball comedy is one wisecrack after another and proves once again that You Cant Beat the House.


West Essex High School (View)
65 West Greenbrook Road
North Caldwell, NJ 07006
United States



Minimum Age: 12
Kid Friendly: Yes!
Dog Friendly: No
Non-Smoking: Yes!
Wheelchair Accessible: Yes!


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